I don’t normally share my problems in my blog. If you’re been reading my blog for a while, you would know that. Partly maybe because I’m afraid of the people that might be reading it. I was afraid of being judged. So that’s why I don’t share my problems here. But that’s gonna change. I shouldn’t be afraid of what people might think when they read. It’s my blog anyway. I should have the freedom and the right to write out my feelings. Maybe someone else is going through this and this post may be an encouragement. I don’t know, but here’s what I’ve been facing recently.
Few months ago, I was betrayed and lied to by 2 of my friends. And one of them has been my best friend for 4 years. Let’s call him “A”, shall we? And another one “C”. A and I have been close ever since we knew each other. It’s like we’re more than friends. We accompany each other whenever we felt alone and we shared everything with each other…secrets, problems, and even who’s cute. LOL. We both got the same interests, and if there is one thing we could be in this world, we would be twins. Because we understand each other and know what we’re thinking. I met C when I was admitted into the hospital. Then a few weeks after I was discharged, she came to my church and that’s how our friendship started. We got close at one point, then she moved to KL.
Few months back, they both have been doing things behind my back and keeping secrets from me. What happened was I started to feel left out and I suspected something was going on between them, but when I asked, they denied and told me that I think too much. That time, I thought it was my fault. Cuz there were times when A always come and talk to me and I was too busy to entertain him, and told him to find C. Maybe that’s how they got so close to each other. Well, I wished it was that simple, but it was not. That’s not it.
I suspected that they were dating that time, and like I said…they denied and told me it was nonsense. I actually believed them, and the cost of believing them? Well, I ended up slowly going into depression. Why? Because there is a part of me that kept telling me something is going on and my suspicion grew stronger and stronger while the other part of me is telling me that I think too much and what is wrong with me. It’s like I’m arguing with myself and trying to shut that part of myself out.
Anyway, to keep the long story short, I caught C lying one day. That night, she sent me a long text saying why do I have to suspect and it’s like she’s the 3rd party trying to ruin my friendship with A; and she values our friendship and they would never hide anything from me and bla bla bla… I thought maybe I was too harsh on them. Again, I blamed myself.
About a month later, I caught them holding hands. So the next day, we went out because I wanted to confront them. But before I do that, I wanna hear what they have to say about me since C said I never gave them a chance to explain. So one by one, they pointed out…I was too suspicious, I don’t trust them, I jumped into conclusion easily, it’s like our friendship is drifting away, etc… Then, I explained why I was acting that way. I was insecure. I felt like everytime when they say something, their actions speak otherwise, and about me blaming myself thinking it was my fault. After explaining, I asked “anything else you wanna tell me since we’re coming clean?”. I was hoping they would tell me that they’re dating, but no… they shook their head and say “nope”. At that point, I was very disappointed with them. I gave them a chance to not hide anything from me, and they still wanna hide it.
So I told them that I saw them holding hands and then only they told me that they’re dating. And the reason they didn’t tell me was because someone (let’s call him B) told them not to tell anyone, not even me. I was like…come on! I suspected so much and I was so close to the truth, and if you really value our friendship, don’t you think you should just tell B that I already suspected and it’s best to just tell me rather than leading me on and covering one lie after another?! If they were to tell me sooner, at least my mind would be at ease and the suspicion will stop. And at least, I won’t go into depression fighting with my own mind! That period of time when I thought something was wrong with me, there were times I wished God would just take me away. Maybe a car crash or a plane crash or died in my sleep. I don’t know…but I know I wanted to be taken away. And worse of all, A knew about it. I told A what I was feeling and he still didn’t tell me the truth.
I gave them so many chances to tell me, but they decided to lie. What happened of friends don’t keep secrets from each other? What happened to “I value our friendship and I will never let us go into strangers”? All these…were just a lie. When they said something, their actions speak otherwise. How can I not suspect at that time? I wasn’t really hurt from C because I knew she’s that kind of person and lying is just a normal thing to her. But A?! He hurt me the most. Coming from someone who knew exactly what I was going through that period of time, and still lying about it and saying I think too much?! That is just unacceptable.
To make the long story short again, I told them that things will never be the same again and I hope their relationship is worth it. Cause they lost a friend and A lost his sister. I can tell that A is trying to patch things back again after a few days later, but I can’t go back to where we used to be. Forgive is easy. We still need to work with each other from time to time. But forget…that’s hard and I admit, part of me don’t want to forget. After having a huge scar in me, it’ll take a long time to heal.
Some of you may think that this is no big deal and there was so much drama in it. I don’t know what you may think about this, but it was clearly a big deal for me at that time.
1) I was right all along and I’ve been trying to shut myself out because I chose to trust them.
2) Being best buddies for so long, I didn’t expect A to lie.
3) Saying something but showing another thing. Actions do speak louder than words.
4) Don’t make promises you cannot keep.
But I’m better now. I started to hang out with people whom actually care about me. I can’t believe how blind I was and how my world has covered with only A in it. Since we knew each other for so long, I shared everything to him and not to other people; he was my comfort zone for so long. Everytime there is a problem and I need someone to talk to, I knew I can talk to A. But not anymore. It was hard at 1st trying to find people whom I can trust since after what happened, I don’t know who I can trust anymore. But slowly, time heals. And I actually thank God this happen because it actually opens up my eyes to see who are my real friends and who are not. It’s true that I lost 2 friends, but that moment, I found 2 friends that were there for me. Thank you, Josh & Rebecca for being there for me throughout this period of time. And this phase has been helping me & has been a reminder for me from time to time : “Sometimes God sends you to the storm not to destroy you, but to strip some things away so He can rebuild you”.